So a week ago, I had my first anime performance in Uni. Everything and all went OK. You can check out the videos on the event to have a look at what took place.
Sigh... It has been a year since I officially got onto YouTube and had my channel properly set up. I remember being so active last year: I was sourcing music to learn, techniques to modify and just looking for inspiration to let me go all the way to make my account the best I could. Along the way, I'm kinda sure that I was being a nuisance to my Friends on Facebook, cuz of my trying to get the support XD
Indeed... I am VERY CONCERNED on how I appear to people. I fear that by persistently sharing my work, which I am always trying to improve, people might think of me as one of those "Online Wannabes". =(
I can always deny this, but I can't deny the fact that I cannot change their minds once they think of me like that. I just hope that I can prove it to them otherwise, if perhaps, I can be given the chance...
That's why I keep this blog. I'm sharing my views here so that if anyone sees the posts I'm making, they can know me more, and not just assume I'm some attention seeking baby. Further more, I even make my personal FB account public to all, just to allow a greater degree of knowing me and contacting me for sheets or stuff.
Personally, I have my dream to achieve on YouTube (cliché AF). How I actually got this dream was a result of many lonely moments in high school, when my "friends" were more interested copying my work instead of letting me be part of the gang. I was rather lonely back then. There were days that I was just so depressed seeing how people around had their own big gang while I was never really a part of any gang at all. And I had a certain aura that no matter how hard I tried to make an impression on a new friend I just made, they just wouldn't remember my name. ==""
Don't get me wrong. I'm not a recluse. I enjoy having the right company around! But I just don't know what sort of aura I had over my head that prevented me from being part of any real clan in my class... I didn't start YouTube at that time, so it definitely wasn't being nosy around with my videos and all.
So during one of those low moments, a thought came to me and it has stuck to me ever since: I'm rather lonely. How nice would it be if I had people who knew me, people who looked up upon me. How nice if I were famous....
Whoa. Famous? Me? You've gotta be kidding. I've got no talent! My music skills back then, even now, are just not enough to WOW people. And I was a jack of all trade in sports.. (HAHA that sounded too good. I was just OK in sports. Could play any sports basketball football badminton etc with some mediocre skills, but not the school team standard) I couldn't possibly be famous!
No matter how I tried to shake off that thought, whenever I see those friends of mine having some great laugh while I was doing my work at the back of the class, the thought would just keep banging into my head... (Did I ever mentioned I was a back row student? Haha random fact!)
So it wasn't until some years later after the inception of that "Being Famous" thought that I finally decided that I wasn't going to bother about any shit about myself, and just try my best to achieve it. Because even after graduating from high school, I was still being tailed by that certain aura that just couldn't have people remember me! (There are many times where I made new contacts in college, and I remember their names, but 5/7 would return and say "Oh I'm sorry. What was your name?" GRRRGGRGRGRGRGR!!!!)
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| Why wouldn't you remember my name?? |
Those events added a bit more motivation into putting that "Being Famous" thought into action, cuz even if you're famous, people still might not know you personally, but hey, they remember your name, right?
So all those mentioned experiences were my initial motivation to start off YouTube-ing. I just want people to remember my name... And perhaps, I guess to make more friends?
So there you have it. This is my reason for continuing my YouTube efforts, even though my account growth is just soooo sloooowww... It's a promise I made to myself to improve, and to keep improving until the end of my time, because I have no talent, but I want to have the talent of playing beautiful music, because that's the only thing that I love doing! (I got onto YouTube without much love for playing or making music, but after I got onto it, I realized how much it meant to me, and I wanted to make something out of it after learning music for so long. More on this in my next posting.) I could just sit at the piano whole day to force myself to learn some arpeggios scales techniques and run my fingers through my arrangements to be ready for a recording session. I just want to improve. I want to improve until I don't cringe at my own music...
Lastly, I have nothing to hide. I don't want to be viewed as those "Online Wannabes" or some attention seekin baby. I wanna lose this loneliness that's been stuck with me for years, the sense that I have no where to belong. I don't want to put on a mask and be with the wrong people, and be tolerant to groups that just isn't my group.
I want to belong. I want to feel accepted. I want to be acknowledged for my skills. And I hope you can help me in achieving my dream, because I cannot succeed without a community supporting my growth. I wish you will be part of my reason to success, and I wish to have you as a part of my story.
Thank you for staying.
Here are the corresponding links:
Event summary: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E7qexAzN734
Event Performance DrewyJin FULL: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eJCf3iSWYto
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